The concept of God has fascinated me since childhood. It had been fed to me as the solution to all of life’s problems. Praying to god before going to exams and right before exam results was something I had gotten accustomed to. I expressed birthday wishes to God and even asked God to fix some of my mistakes. Questioning the existence of god was not even on the back of my mind. .
But in just a little about 3-4 years, my belief in god had completely faded away. I did not read God delusion or Bhagat Singh’s Why I am atheist. The word atheist is associated with so much negativity that it is basically translates to stubborn moron. When Periyar was questioned why he was against God, he mentioned god and religion to be at the root of all social evil including caste. And this made sense to me. When you approach something with logic and rationality, you begin to realise that there is very less ambiguity in the world. You can fight fear and chaos only with information and when you have information, why let anything to chance or faith or like most would call it, God.
But once the disbelief bug bites you, it’s hard to go back to believing. Knowledge is truly the biggest burden in the world because once you learn to see things a certain way, it is impossible to unsee them and you really can’t help the way it expresses itself in everything you see, speak and write.
Even today I strongly tell people that I don’t believe in god, but at the back of my mind, I am a little doubtful of my resolve. What will happen to my rationality when tragedy strikes? After all, the concept of God becomes more culturally relevant only in the face of calamities and tragedy. And even though my dramatic self would disagree, my life has been nothing more than a slightly bumpy line with smalls ups and not many downs. So in the case of a personal tragedy, will I become a hypocrite and begin believing in God. I can’t be 100% sure until it really happens but for now I tell myself that my boat is for science, logic, rational thought and humanity and does not really have space for someone from above!
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